Bigger the Ring, Bigger the Divorce

(the size of an engagement ring actually bears no correlation with the commitment or love of the marriage)

My father was a philosophical and intuitive man. He was not educated which made his philosophy more pure in many respects. He didn't know how to manipulate the syntax of a sentence to make it read many different ways. He use to tell me that the "the bigger the rock, the heavier it falls". When I was a child I took this literally. Now that I am a grown up and an intimacy/sex therapist, I understand his words more differently. He was trying to tell me that what you symbolize with a ring is often times much different then what it is intended to symbolize, which is love, respect and faithfulness.

When I received my wedding ring I was twenty years old. My fiancé was an intern. He told me at the time that he had no money so we could not afford a fancy ring. I was fine with this because I really wasn't a "ring person" and I was so young I didn't understand the depth of what this ring was meant to symbolize. I had no idea that at age twenty this would be the man I would see when I gave birth to my daughters. I didn't realize I would watch this man get gray hair on his head, as well as his ears! I didn't understand the depth of his love until I had a terrible accident and watched as they told him that I could die. I remember watching his face from my hospital bed and thinking of my dad's simple words. At that moment, I understood the depth of a marriage—the love, the faithfulness, and the symbolism of the ring.

If you are receiving a ring for Christmas or any event let me congratulate you! Nothing is more important or beautiful then loving another person as much as you love yourself. Nothing can match the feeling of wanting to be faithful and loyal to this person forever. But before you put that ring on your finger, make sure you understand the person who is placing it on your finger. Is he placing it on your finger to symbolize his love and loyalty to you? Does he or she want only what is best for you? Do you want that for him or her? Are you ready to put your own desires on hold if it means them reaching theirs first? Are you willing to negotiate tasks and do what is best for both of you and your future family? If the answer to any of these is ‘no’, then step back. Take a while to think it over. Marriage and commitment is not for the faint of heart. It is for the heart that is ready to see itself in all truth. The parts we try to hide cannot stay hidden in a marriage. It is such a sacred walk, but not one you can do alone.

Happy Holidays, and remember the reason for the season is LOVE.

MJo

What’s Eating You?

There is a specific question on the surveys that I give patients prior to their weight loss surgery: “What stresses you?” The question is simple enough. It doesn't ask them to re-evaluate their whole life, yet in its simplicity it is incredibly thought provoking—they don't quite know how to answer it. In such cases, I rephrase it and ask “what’s eating you?” to which they give me a variety of reasons. These reasons may include their weight, in-laws, husbands/wives, children, pets, jobs (or lack of jobs), and many more. I usually ask them which of these they feel like they can control. The answer comes back to me sounding incredibly hopeless. They reply, "Well, it should be my weight, but I am not in control of that anymore which is why I am here at this clinic".

You cannot control your weight until you figure out which of these reasons (many times all of them) are causing you stress and how you are managing that stress. Many of my patients tell me that they “Eat the Stress” which keeps the whole cycle going. I remind them that even after weight loss surgery your life will be full of stress. The same situations that plague you prior to surgery will continue after surgery. Therefore, the only way to get more in control of the weight is to get more comfortable with the situations that cause stress and learn how to handle them differently. This is the life-style change that we talk about endlessly after weight loss surgery. How do you learn to handle your chaotic and sometimes difficult life? You start by breaking it down and handling your reaction to stress one moment at a time.

Tips for Reacting to Stressors in your Life

1. Before you put food in your mouth because someone important to you yelled at you, ask yourself: "What is this food going to do for me?”

2. Before you react by screaming at your children for spilling something on the floor, picture whatever was spilled as "sunshine". We don't try to wipe sunshine up, but rather we accept it and usually allow it to happen.

3. When you are feeling lonely, abandoned, or sad, and that sweet bread is calling your name quickly wrap it up and think of one person you can give it to (of course they won't want half eaten sweet bread so throw that piece to the birds and go to the store and buy the person you thought of a special treat). The very best way to stop feeling lonely is to do something for someone else.

Only we can control our own actions. Only we can put food in our mouth. Only we can get out of the house when we are feeling like eating something we shouldn't. Only we can choose prayer or meditation to help calm us down.

Feel like you can't? Feel like food has you under its control? Well only you CAN'T also. You are so much better then you can ever imagine. So much stronger then you believe. Only you can change you.

Have a wonderful week!!!

MJo

A Patient Named Florice

Today started like many of my days at Methodist as I evaluated patients for Weight loss surgery. My third patient was a woman named Florice; she was quiet and soft spoken. When we were finishing up our session I asked her how she felt about her body image as she struggled with obesity. She looked at me with an eager look and then replied, "Would you like to see a poem I wrote?" Since I love poetry and anything written as an expression of self I responded with equal enthusiasm. This is Florice's poem that she so kindly let me post on today’s blog in hopes that it can help others. This very characteristic is what I believe will make Florice successful with her weight loss journey.

Love Yourself
By: Florice Hamilton
Age: 32 yrs
Methodist Weight Management Center Patient

It took me 25 years to come into myself that I was beautiful inside and out
Girl you look good—I do?
You have a pretty face
What's wrong with my body?
That's the rest of me—all together!
Why don't you loose some weight? Huh?
Girl you're looking smaller?
Then, someone said "Are you getting bigger"?
In a whisper to me...To me.
These are some of the "Loving Things" people say
Mostly love ones who love you or so called friends you trust
Outsiders see you as an outside person reserved and quiet or funny,
Just around—some think you're pretty great...
But where was self love? Where was the feeling of being beautiful?
My nose, my mouth and buttery shine cheeks with a "koolaid smile"
My thick waist, hips and lips was attractive?
The Lord made me comfortable with me, my life journey has taught me to love me.
I am black, beautiful and also a fine child.


Florice was a blessing for me to meet today. I feel that I am an expert when it comes to the emotional concerns of a surgical weight loss patient. Florice is an expert at expressing what it feels like to be the patient. We need each other; we help each other. Hopefully this blog will help and inspire you—another thing we do together.

Mjo

Hot Dogs were Good, But Turkey is Better….the Importance of Being Grateful

Some things are so vivid in my mind. I grew up in a small house (less than 1,700 sq. feet) in Northern Wisconsin with eight brothers and sisters. We were poor; my mother was a school teacher and my father a laborer. I was number six of nine children. I was witty and challenging to my parents, but they taught us humility and obedience. I don't remember a time I didn't feel sorry for them—their lot in life and how they did their best to love and care for all of us. Each Thanksgiving my mother would make hot dogs. I remember asking her why we didn't have turkey like everyone else and she told me not to question what I didn't understand. Now I realize hot dogs were cheap; she could buy them in the summer and freeze them. Since we never had them any other time they were exotic. The first Thanksgiving that we had turkey was when our priest, Father John, brought one to our home. My mother was flabbergasted. She hated accepting charity, but she didn't want to disappoint the priest. It took her and my father to roast it, and all of us kids just sit in the kitchen and watched her fix it. We couldn't believe our good fortune. I have since become a vegetarian, but I can tell you I have never tasted such a great turkey.

My mother died in 2002. One of my best memories was listening to her talk about that big turkey. Such a novel event for her and she was so grateful. This gratefulness made her strong. She used this memory when times were bad and reminded us of the goodness of others. She used this memory when she felt "unappreciated" by others. This one simple act of someone's kindness affected my whole family.

There is a connection between appreciation and happiness. When you appreciate another person you value them and you also give hope to everyone around you. The appreciated person feels grateful and happy and you feel fortunate that this person is in your life. Most of us don't work for money, we work for appreciation. Why not start appreciating now? Have you told others how much you appreciate them? When is the last time you hugged your husband and told him you appreciated the way he treated you and your children?

Are you a student? Have you thanked your teachers who have made a difference? Maybe you are a professional, have you thanked your secretaries and co-workers? Blue collar workers—have you thanked your boss or anyone that helps clear your path so you can do your job? Have you thought about who you appreciate? Appreciation is one of the few gifts we can give each other and it comes right back to you. Make a memory. Tell someone how much you appreciate them and then watch their eyes. Don't forget that look in their eyes. Make it your memory to use when times are difficult or life is cruel.

Blessings to you in this season of Thanksgiving! I am grateful that I can write each week and I appreciate the comments you make. You inspire me, and I want to do more for you.

MJo

Fear of Change

This week I was seeing patients and seemed to hear a quiet buzz among people in the clinic. There was fear in their voices as they were discussing change. We all experience change—your job is changing, you broke up with your boyfriend, a new president, you've lost 100lbs and don't feel like yourself anymore. Everything is changing; of course it is. You are changing, also, and I am too. Every day your body cleanses itself and you develop new cells and old ones die. Change is God. The energy is constant; you cannot stop change. Perhaps that is why in psychology we evaluate one’s ability to accept and embrace change. People who are able to adapt to change are usually more psychologically and emotionally healthy.

Not sure if you are one of the healthy ones? Do you find yourself losing sleep due to changes in a relationship or at work? Do you become more irritable with changes that happen to you? That's understandable. One of things we like least about change is the loss of control. If you can plan the change usually there is less anxiety associated with it. Life is not predictable though and usually change happens to us rather then by us. So what are some tips to dealing with change? Well first of all commend yourself. You have to be brave to go through change.

Tips on Adapting to Change

1. When having to make a change ask yourself what it is you fear about this change. Write it down, so you can think about it later. If the fear is irrational then talk to yourself or someone you love about why you are letting this irrational thought scare you. If it is rational then go to the person making the change and tell them your concerns. For example: if a boss at work is instituting a change that will gravely influence your income this is a rational fear. Write it down, come up with a second option and discuss it with your boss.

2. If the change coming is making you fearful due to feelings of inadequacy then you need to be sure about what you feel inadequate about. Do you feel inadequate because someone else is better, more popular, or more skilled at a particular task? A change could be an opportunity for you to have something better. A different relationship, a better job, or a deeper understanding of what you are appreciated for. The fear in this case is worse then the change you are anticipating.

3. When a change is inevitable and you are noticing fear causing anxiety within you then the best thing you can do is take action. Change is a catalyst for growth. Growth comes about when people do a task differently. There is an old saying that "doing the same thing you always did the same way with no result is the definition of insanity". I love this saying because it basically reminds us to keep changing and trying "new things" in a "different way".

Make no mistake. Change is difficult for all of us. I have spent months trying to encourage patients to change in order to save a marriage or a family. Change doesn't come easily even when we risk losing everything we love. Five years ago, I had a cerebral aneurysm in which I experienced a near death experience. I who once detested change spent about 2 minutes with God and everything changed. That is why you will always hear me say...I love change. Change is God to me. Have a blessed week and stay close to God (Change).


MJo

Dealing with Stress

Stress is a part of everyday life. No one can escape it and everyone deals with it differently. If I could help teach all children and young adults to deal with only one issue it would be how to deal with stress. The world today is full of stressors; many parents aren't good at dealing with it and neither are their children. Let's begin to look at stress and empower ourselves to handle the stress in our lives. Remember whatever we can improve in our own lives the better we are able to "touch other's lives".

Tim Lowenstein created The Life Stress Test, which presents a scale that will help determine the level of pressure you are facing from major life stress events in the past year. I have posted it below.

In the past 12 months, which of the following major life events have taken place in your life?

_____ Death of spouse: 100 points
_____ Divorce: 73
_____ Marital separation: 65
_____ Jail term: 63
_____ Death of close family member: 63
_____ Personal injury or illness: 53
_____ Marriage: 50
_____ Fired from work: 47
_____ Marital reconciliation: 45
_____ Retirement: 45
_____ Change in family member's health: 44
_____ Pregnancy: 40
_____ Sex difficulties: 39
_____ Addition to family: 39
_____ Business readjustment: 39
_____ Change in financial status: 38
_____ Death of close friend: 37
_____ Change to a different line of work: 36
_____ Change in number of marital arguments: 35
_____ Mortgage or loan over $10,000: 31
_____ Foreclosure of mortgage or loan: 30
_____ Change in work responsibilities: 29
_____ Trouble with in-laws: 29
_____ Outstanding personal achievement: 28
_____ Spouse begins or stops work:26
_____ Starting or finishing school: 26
_____ Change in living conditions: 25
_____ Revision of personal habits: 24
_____ Trouble with boss: 23
_____ Change in work hours, conditions: 20
_____ Change in residence: 20
_____ Change in schools: 20
_____ Change in recreational habits: 19
_____ Change in church activities: 19
_____ Change in social activities: 18
_____ Mortgage or loan under $10,000: 17
_____ Change in sleeping habits: 16
_____ Change in number of family gatherings: 15
_____ Change in eating habits: 15
_____ Vacation: 13
_____ Christmas season: 12
_____ Minor violations of the law: 11
_____ Your Total Score

If you scored 0-149, you have low susceptibility to stress-related illness.
If you scored 150-299, you have medium susceptibility to stress-related illness.
And if you scored 300 and over, there is the indication that you have high susceptibility to stress-related illness.

The amount of stress you feel is often related with the physical symptoms you may be experiencing. Frequent headaches, stomach pain, breast pain, dizziness, etc. The bottom line is if you have chronic stress it can "tear the body down" and you could develop more serious illnesses such as cardiac disease, cancer, and depression.

What can you do to help yourself deal with stress? Here are 5 easy ways to start today.

Breathing. Taking deep, slow breaths is guaranteed to bring your heart rate down and your blood pressure. You can use this tool anywhere, anytime with quick results. Try this right now...take a breath in to the count of 4, hold for the count of 4 and now release to the count of 4.

Exercise. Even if you can only escape for 10 minutes, go for it. Get the endorphins going and the anxiety will decrease. Your heart needs about 30 minutes each day, so don't forget to engage in your 10 min. three times a day.

Journal. Putting the issues in writing brings clarity and provides the format to develop a plan. It tells your unique story and tracks your growth. A journal is a "little psychotherapist" in your pocket. Seriously, if you write down your thoughts you will be able to handle your own stressors because you will begin to understand what they are and what precipitates them.

Express yourself. Pick up the phone and call someone who likes you! There's nothing like a voice on the other end of the line that is glad you are part of their life! Everyone has at least one person on their side at all times. When you are stressed this is the time to call that person.

While using these tools, don't forget to pray and meditate. Prayer is beneficial to many who struggle. You can do it at any time and the relief is immediate. I remember praying as a small child and what I loved about it most is that I had faith that what I prayed for would happen 100%. As I grew older I began to doubt what I prayed for. An essential part of prayer is to pray, let go, trust, and believe that God will provide you with all you need. You have to change your actions as if your prayer was answered before it actually has been. Prayer and mediation allow you to be vulnerable, honest, and open. Three qualities all healing thrive in.

Taking care and nurturing your body are vital parts of our self esteem. Your confidence will increase as will your sense of self when you trust that you are able to deal with stress. Try to maintain the attitude of "No matter what comes my way, I have the ability to deal with it and I will". Have a stress free week!

MJo

Saving a Friendship

I was reading in the New York Health Times section on the importance of friendships. This article stated that you can determine ones' longevity by counting how many friends they have. As I read I began to understand the importance we place on our friends and how they do change our lives. After reading the article I was surprised when in clinic last week a patient told me that she felt part of her "over eating" was due to a loss of a good friend. This friend who was my patients' closest friend was like a sister. She came to every family event and was accepted not only by my patient but by her whole family. Then one day it was as if she vanished. She no longer answered voice mails, text messages or emails'. My patient was perplexed as she could not recall anything she had said or done to make her friend behave this way. As my patient talked tears came to her eyes and I saw how disturbing and hurt full this loss had been. We talked more and I asked my patient what she had done to rectify it. This was fascinating as she was clueless as to what she could do so she opted to do nothing. How could she let go so easily to one she loved so much?

There are many reasons friendships end. They may end due to people changing (such as may be the case after weight loss surgery) or circumstances change. Friendships are usually relationships between equals and if that balance shifts for one of the friends it may cause that friend to leave or feel less connection. When a friendship ends it is important to acknowledge it. You have to talk about it, and you have to grieve. This person was important to you and it will leave a void in your life. Fortunately not all friendships that are broken fail. Sometimes you can save them. Here are a few ideas to consider before you walk away from a friend that has been a major support person in your life.

1. Make time to communicate with this person. In the above example with my patient I encouraged her to write a letter to her friend and drive to her home and slip it under the door, or find a way to get it to her friend. Friends need our support and communication to stay close to us. If you are going to be busy or you know your schedule is going to be "crazy" warn your friend in advance so they know you still love them but are going through a tough time. They will understand you aren't neglecting them and usually will find another way to support you that only a good friend knows how to do!

2. Give it time. Usually with time one of you will realize the disagreement you had was blown out of proportion and you really didn't mean to say what you did or they didn't mean what they said. Don't ever talk badly about your friend even if they become an ex-friend. You cannot take back what they may have heard you say about them while you were angry. Being hurt does not give you freedom to betray your friend....ever.

3. Be ready to say you are sorry and own up to your own weaknesses. A friendship is not about pride or saving face. A friendship is about allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone and trusting that this person will always focus on your strengths and love you despite your short comings. NOTHING IS WORTH RISKING THIS RELATIONSHIP. If you had a disagreement and it will have no significance in the future then I encourage you to let it go.

What did I suggest to this patient as she left? I told her my mother use to tell me to ask this question before I let go of a friend. "If it was 2a.m. and you needed someone to comfort you, could you call this friend and be comforted"? My patient thought about it, and said, "Okay Mary Jo, I will write her a letter".

MJo