Heart and Soul with Mary Jo

Bigger the Ring, Bigger the Divorce

2008-12-16T10:57:00.000-08:00

(the size of an engagement ring actually bears no correlation with the commitment or love of the marriage)

My father was a philosophical and intuitive man. He was not educated which made his philosophy more pure in many respects. He didn't know how to manipulate the syntax of a sentence to make it read many different ways. He use to tell me that the "the bigger the rock, the heavier it falls". When I was a child I took this literally. Now that I am a grown up and an intimacy/sex therapist, I understand his words more differently. He was trying to tell me that what you symbolize with a ring is often times much different then what it is intended to symbolize, which is love, respect and faithfulness.

When I received my wedding ring I was twenty years old. My fiancé was an intern. He told me at the time that he had no money so we could not afford a fancy ring. I was fine with this because I really wasn't a "ring person" and I was so young I didn't understand the depth of what this ring was meant to symbolize. I had no idea that at age twenty this would be the man I would see when I gave birth to my daughters. I didn't realize I would watch this man get gray hair on his head, as well as his ears! I didn't understand the depth of his love until I had a terrible accident and watched as they told him that I could die. I remember watching his face from my hospital bed and thinking of my dad's simple words. At that moment, I understood the depth of a marriage—the love, the faithfulness, and the symbolism of the ring.

If you are receiving a ring for Christmas or any event let me congratulate you! Nothing is more important or beautiful then loving another person as much as you love yourself. Nothing can match the feeling of wanting to be faithful and loyal to this person forever. But before you put that ring on your finger, make sure you understand the person who is placing it on your finger. Is he placing it on your finger to symbolize his love and loyalty to you? Does he or she want only what is best for you? Do you want that for him or her? Are you ready to put your own desires on hold if it means them reaching theirs first? Are you willing to negotiate tasks and do what is best for both of you and your future family? If the answer to any of these is ‘no’, then step back. Take a while to think it over. Marriage and commitment is not for the faint of heart. It is for the heart that is ready to see itself in all truth. The parts we try to hide cannot stay hidden in a marriage. It is such a sacred walk, but not one you can do alone.

Happy Holidays, and remember the reason for the season is LOVE.

MJo

What’s Eating You?

2008-12-10T06:53:00.000-08:00

There is a specific question on the surveys that I give patients prior to their weight loss surgery: “What stresses you?” The question is simple enough. It doesn't ask them to re-evaluate their whole life, yet in its simplicity it is incredibly thought provoking—they don't quite know how to answer it. In such cases, I rephrase it and ask “what’s eating you?” to which they give me a variety of reasons. These reasons may include their weight, in-laws, husbands/wives, children, pets, jobs (or lack of jobs), and many more. I usually ask them which of these they feel like they can control. The answer comes back to me sounding incredibly hopeless. They reply, "Well, it should be my weight, but I am not in control of that anymore which is why I am here at this clinic".

You cannot control your weight until you figure out which of these reasons (many times all of them) are causing you stress and how you are managing that stress. Many of my patients tell me that they “Eat the Stress” which keeps the whole cycle going. I remind them that even after weight loss surgery your life will be full of stress. The same situations that plague you prior to surgery will continue after surgery. Therefore, the only way to get more in control of the weight is to get more comfortable with the situations that cause stress and learn how to handle them differently. This is the life-style change that we talk about endlessly after weight loss surgery. How do you learn to handle your chaotic and sometimes difficult life? You start by breaking it down and handling your reaction to stress one moment at a time.

Tips for Reacting to Stressors in your Life

1. Before you put food in your mouth because someone important to you yelled at you, ask yourself: "What is this food going to do for me?”

2. Before you react by screaming at your children for spilling something on the floor, picture whatever was spilled as "sunshine". We don't try to wipe sunshine up, but rather we accept it and usually allow it to happen.

3. When you are feeling lonely, abandoned, or sad, and that sweet bread is calling your name quickly wrap it up and think of one person you can give it to (of course they won't want half eaten sweet bread so throw that piece to the birds and go to the store and buy the person you thought of a special treat). The very best way to stop feeling lonely is to do something for someone else.

Only we can control our own actions. Only we can put food in our mouth. Only we can get out of the house when we are feeling like eating something we shouldn't. Only we can choose prayer or meditation to help calm us down.

Feel like you can't? Feel like food has you under its control? Well only you CAN'T also. You are so much better then you can ever imagine. So much stronger then you believe. Only you can change you.

Have a wonderful week!!!

MJo

A Patient Named Florice

2008-12-03T10:57:00.000-08:00

Today started like many of my days at Methodist as I evaluated patients for Weight loss surgery. My third patient was a woman named Florice; she was quiet and soft spoken. When we were finishing up our session I asked her how she felt about her body image as she struggled with obesity. She looked at me with an eager look and then replied, "Would you like to see a poem I wrote?" Since I love poetry and anything written as an expression of self I responded with equal enthusiasm. This is Florice's poem that she so kindly let me post on today’s blog in hopes that it can help others. This very characteristic is what I believe will make Florice successful with her weight loss journey.

Love Yourself
By: Florice Hamilton
Age: 32 yrs
Methodist Weight Management Center Patient

It took me 25 years to come into myself that I was beautiful inside and out
Girl you look good—I do?
You have a pretty face
What's wrong with my body?
That's the rest of me—all together!
Why don't you loose some weight? Huh?
Girl you're looking smaller?
Then, someone said "Are you getting bigger"?
In a whisper to me...To me.
These are some of the "Loving Things" people say
Mostly love ones who love you or so called friends you trust
Outsiders see you as an outside person reserved and quiet or funny,
Just around—some think you're pretty great...
But where was self love? Where was the feeling of being beautiful?
My nose, my mouth and buttery shine cheeks with a "koolaid smile"
My thick waist, hips and lips was attractive?
The Lord made me comfortable with me, my life journey has taught me to love me.
I am black, beautiful and also a fine child.

Florice was a blessing for me to meet today. I feel that I am an expert when it comes to the emotional concerns of a surgical weight loss patient. Florice is an expert at expressing what it feels like to be the patient. We need each other; we help each other. Hopefully this blog will help and inspire you—another thing we do together.

Mjo

Hot Dogs were Good, But Turkey is Better….the Importance of Being Grateful

2008-11-18T18:54:00.000-08:00

Some things are so vivid in my mind. I grew up in a small house (less than 1,700 sq. feet) in Northern Wisconsin with eight brothers and sisters. We were poor; my mother was a school teacher and my father a laborer. I was number six of nine children. I was witty and challenging to my parents, but they taught us humility and obedience. I don't remember a time I didn't feel sorry for them—their lot in life and how they did their best to love and care for all of us. Each Thanksgiving my mother would make hot dogs. I remember asking her why we didn't have turkey like everyone else and she told me not to question what I didn't understand. Now I realize hot dogs were cheap; she could buy them in the summer and freeze them. Since we never had them any other time they were exotic. The first Thanksgiving that we had turkey was when our priest, Father John, brought one to our home. My mother was flabbergasted. She hated accepting charity, but she didn't want to disappoint the priest. It took her and my father to roast it, and all of us kids just sit in the kitchen and watched her fix it. We couldn't believe our good fortune. I have since become a vegetarian, but I can tell you I have never tasted such a great turkey.

My mother died in 2002. One of my best memories was listening to her talk about that big turkey. Such a novel event for her and she was so grateful. This gratefulness made her strong. She used this memory when times were bad and reminded us of the goodness of others. She used this memory when she felt "unappreciated" by others. This one simple act of someone's kindness affected my whole family.

There is a connection between appreciation and happiness. When you appreciate another person you value them and you also give hope to everyone around you. The appreciated person feels grateful and happy and you feel fortunate that this person is in your life. Most of us don't work for money, we work for appreciation. Why not start appreciating now? Have you told others how much you appreciate them? When is the last time you hugged your husband and told him you appreciated the way he treated you and your children?

Are you a student? Have you thanked your teachers who have made a difference? Maybe you are a professional, have you thanked your secretaries and co-workers? Blue collar workers—have you thanked your boss or anyone that helps clear your path so you can do your job? Have you thought about who you appreciate? Appreciation is one of the few gifts we can give each other and it comes right back to you. Make a memory. Tell someone how much you appreciate them and then watch their eyes. Don't forget that look in their eyes. Make it your memory to use when times are difficult or life is cruel.

Blessings to you in this season of Thanksgiving! I am grateful that I can write each week and I appreciate the comments you make. You inspire me, and I want to do more for you.

MJo

Fear of Change

2008-11-09T18:38:00.000-08:00

This week I was seeing patients and seemed to hear a quiet buzz among people in the clinic. There was fear in their voices as they were discussing change. We all experience change—your job is changing, you broke up with your boyfriend, a new president, you've lost 100lbs and don't feel like yourself anymore. Everything is changing; of course it is. You are changing, also, and I am too. Every day your body cleanses itself and you develop new cells and old ones die. Change is God. The energy is constant; you cannot stop change. Perhaps that is why in psychology we evaluate one’s ability to accept and embrace change. People who are able to adapt to change are usually more psychologically and emotionally healthy.

Not sure if you are one of the healthy ones? Do you find yourself losing sleep due to changes in a relationship or at work? Do you become more irritable with changes that happen to you? That's understandable. One of things we like least about change is the loss of control. If you can plan the change usually there is less anxiety associated with it. Life is not predictable though and usually change happens to us rather then by us. So what are some tips to dealing with change? Well first of all commend yourself. You have to be brave to go through change.

Tips on Adapting to Change

1. When having to make a change ask yourself what it is you fear about this change. Write it down, so you can think about it later. If the fear is irrational then talk to yourself or someone you love about why you are letting this irrational thought scare you. If it is rational then go to the person making the change and tell them your concerns. For example: if a boss at work is instituting a change that will gravely influence your income this is a rational fear. Write it down, come up with a second option and discuss it with your boss.

2. If the change coming is making you fearful due to feelings of inadequacy then you need to be sure about what you feel inadequate about. Do you feel inadequate because someone else is better, more popular, or more skilled at a particular task? A change could be an opportunity for you to have something better. A different relationship, a better job, or a deeper understanding of what you are appreciated for. The fear in this case is worse then the change you are anticipating.

3. When a change is inevitable and you are noticing fear causing anxiety within you then the best thing you can do is take action. Change is a catalyst for growth. Growth comes about when people do a task differently. There is an old saying that "doing the same thing you always did the same way with no result is the definition of insanity". I love this saying because it basically reminds us to keep changing and trying "new things" in a "different way".

Make no mistake. Change is difficult for all of us. I have spent months trying to encourage patients to change in order to save a marriage or a family. Change doesn't come easily even when we risk losing everything we love. Five years ago, I had a cerebral aneurysm in which I experienced a near death experience. I who once detested change spent about 2 minutes with God and everything changed. That is why you will always hear me say...I love change. Change is God to me. Have a blessed week and stay close to God (Change).

MJo

Dealing with Stress

2008-11-03T15:13:00.000-08:00

Stress is a part of everyday life. No one can escape it and everyone deals with it differently. If I could help teach all children and young adults to deal with only one issue it would be how to deal with stress. The world today is full of stressors; many parents aren't good at dealing with it and neither are their children. Let's begin to look at stress and empower ourselves to handle the stress in our lives. Remember whatever we can improve in our own lives the better we are able to "touch other's lives".

Tim Lowenstein created The Life Stress Test, which presents a scale that will help determine the level of pressure you are facing from major life stress events in the past year. I have posted it below.

In the past 12 months, which of the following major life events have taken place in your life?

_____ Death of spouse: 100 points
_____ Divorce: 73
_____ Marital separation: 65
_____ Jail term: 63
_____ Death of close family member: 63
_____ Personal injury or illness: 53
_____ Marriage: 50
_____ Fired from work: 47
_____ Marital reconciliation: 45
_____ Retirement: 45
_____ Change in family member's health: 44
_____ Pregnancy: 40
_____ Sex difficulties: 39
_____ Addition to family: 39
_____ Business readjustment: 39
_____ Change in financial status: 38
_____ Death of close friend: 37
_____ Change to a different line of work: 36
_____ Change in number of marital arguments: 35
_____ Mortgage or loan over $10,000: 31
_____ Foreclosure of mortgage or loan: 30
_____ Change in work responsibilities: 29
_____ Trouble with in-laws: 29
_____ Outstanding personal achievement: 28
_____ Spouse begins or stops work:26
_____ Starting or finishing school: 26
_____ Change in living conditions: 25
_____ Revision of personal habits: 24
_____ Trouble with boss: 23
_____ Change in work hours, conditions: 20
_____ Change in residence: 20
_____ Change in schools: 20
_____ Change in recreational habits: 19
_____ Change in church activities: 19
_____ Change in social activities: 18
_____ Mortgage or loan under $10,000: 17
_____ Change in sleeping habits: 16
_____ Change in number of family gatherings: 15
_____ Change in eating habits: 15
_____ Vacation: 13
_____ Christmas season: 12
_____ Minor violations of the law: 11
_____ Your Total Score

If you scored 0-149, you have low susceptibility to stress-related illness.
If you scored 150-299, you have medium susceptibility to stress-related illness.
And if you scored 300 and over, there is the indication that you have high susceptibility to stress-related illness.

The amount of stress you feel is often related with the physical symptoms you may be experiencing. Frequent headaches, stomach pain, breast pain, dizziness, etc. The bottom line is if you have chronic stress it can "tear the body down" and you could develop more serious illnesses such as cardiac disease, cancer, and depression.

What can you do to help yourself deal with stress? Here are 5 easy ways to start today.

Breathing. Taking deep, slow breaths is guaranteed to bring your heart rate down and your blood pressure. You can use this tool anywhere, anytime with quick results. Try this right now...take a breath in to the count of 4, hold for the count of 4 and now release to the count of 4.

Exercise. Even if you can only escape for 10 minutes, go for it. Get the endorphins going and the anxiety will decrease. Your heart needs about 30 minutes each day, so don't forget to engage in your 10 min. three times a day.

Journal. Putting the issues in writing brings clarity and provides the format to develop a plan. It tells your unique story and tracks your growth. A journal is a "little psychotherapist" in your pocket. Seriously, if you write down your thoughts you will be able to handle your own stressors because you will begin to understand what they are and what precipitates them.

Express yourself. Pick up the phone and call someone who likes you! There's nothing like a voice on the other end of the line that is glad you are part of their life! Everyone has at least one person on their side at all times. When you are stressed this is the time to call that person.

While using these tools, don't forget to pray and meditate. Prayer is beneficial to many who struggle. You can do it at any time and the relief is immediate. I remember praying as a small child and what I loved about it most is that I had faith that what I prayed for would happen 100%. As I grew older I began to doubt what I prayed for. An essential part of prayer is to pray, let go, trust, and believe that God will provide you with all you need. You have to change your actions as if your prayer was answered before it actually has been. Prayer and mediation allow you to be vulnerable, honest, and open. Three qualities all healing thrive in.

Taking care and nurturing your body are vital parts of our self esteem. Your confidence will increase as will your sense of self when you trust that you are able to deal with stress. Try to maintain the attitude of "No matter what comes my way, I have the ability to deal with it and I will". Have a stress free week!

MJo

Saving a Friendship

2008-10-27T06:25:00.000-07:00

I was reading in the New York Health Times section on the importance of friendships. This article stated that you can determine ones' longevity by counting how many friends they have. As I read I began to understand the importance we place on our friends and how they do change our lives. After reading the article I was surprised when in clinic last week a patient told me that she felt part of her "over eating" was due to a loss of a good friend. This friend who was my patients' closest friend was like a sister. She came to every family event and was accepted not only by my patient but by her whole family. Then one day it was as if she vanished. She no longer answered voice mails, text messages or emails'. My patient was perplexed as she could not recall anything she had said or done to make her friend behave this way. As my patient talked tears came to her eyes and I saw how disturbing and hurt full this loss had been. We talked more and I asked my patient what she had done to rectify it. This was fascinating as she was clueless as to what she could do so she opted to do nothing. How could she let go so easily to one she loved so much?

There are many reasons friendships end. They may end due to people changing (such as may be the case after weight loss surgery) or circumstances change. Friendships are usually relationships between equals and if that balance shifts for one of the friends it may cause that friend to leave or feel less connection. When a friendship ends it is important to acknowledge it. You have to talk about it, and you have to grieve. This person was important to you and it will leave a void in your life. Fortunately not all friendships that are broken fail. Sometimes you can save them. Here are a few ideas to consider before you walk away from a friend that has been a major support person in your life.

1. Make time to communicate with this person. In the above example with my patient I encouraged her to write a letter to her friend and drive to her home and slip it under the door, or find a way to get it to her friend. Friends need our support and communication to stay close to us. If you are going to be busy or you know your schedule is going to be "crazy" warn your friend in advance so they know you still love them but are going through a tough time. They will understand you aren't neglecting them and usually will find another way to support you that only a good friend knows how to do!

2. Give it time. Usually with time one of you will realize the disagreement you had was blown out of proportion and you really didn't mean to say what you did or they didn't mean what they said. Don't ever talk badly about your friend even if they become an ex-friend. You cannot take back what they may have heard you say about them while you were angry. Being hurt does not give you freedom to betray your friend....ever.

3. Be ready to say you are sorry and own up to your own weaknesses. A friendship is not about pride or saving face. A friendship is about allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone and trusting that this person will always focus on your strengths and love you despite your short comings. NOTHING IS WORTH RISKING THIS RELATIONSHIP. If you had a disagreement and it will have no significance in the future then I encourage you to let it go.

What did I suggest to this patient as she left? I told her my mother use to tell me to ask this question before I let go of a friend. "If it was 2a.m. and you needed someone to comfort you, could you call this friend and be comforted"? My patient thought about it, and said, "Okay Mary Jo, I will write her a letter".

MJo

Is Your Relationship a Positive Reflection of You?

2008-10-19T21:20:00.000-07:00

I make my living from helping people evaluate and change their relationships. Patients come in to talk when their relationships are making them unhappy. They are motivated to talk with me because they realize the importance of someone significant in their life. What makes a happy or healthy relationship?

The most important part of a healthy relationship is your ability to communicate and share with your partner. This means you can talk about how you are feeling and trust that the other person will listen and support you. This doesn't mean they will agree with you, but it does mean they will try to understand how you are feeling. The second part of a healthy relationship is respect and trust. In healthy relationships people respect each other for who they are. This includes respecting and listening to yourself and your feelings so you can set boundaries and feel comfortable.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

You feel good about you. You know you are in a healthy relationship because you feel good about yourself when you are around this person. This person builds you up and makes you feel positive about yourself. They don't lie to you or distort the truth, but they reframe your negative comments about yourself in a way that encourages you to admire yourself. Unhealthy relationships on the other hand make you feel guilty, angry, scared, and/or worried.
Healthy relationships involve give and take. There is a balance, and it must feel equal. Unhealthy relationships may feel like you are giving the other person more attention then they are giving you.
Healthy relationships make you feel safe. You feel like you can completely be yourself. You don't have to try and be something you are not. Your partner understands your mood and your need for alone time. You can trust this person with your secrets. If you cannot trust the person with private thoughts, or this person makes fun of you or teases you about things you hold sacred, then you may want to "rethink" if this person is someone you want to have a relationship with.

A healthy relationship is about feeling good about who YOU are and feeling SAFE with the other person. Don't settle for less, because deciding who to have a relationship with is one of the most precious gifts you will ever give yourself. You have everything you need to create healthy relationships and can experience one by paying attention to who you are inside and what makes you happy. Get to know yourself first and then identifying what you want in another will be easier.

Don't forget...the most sacred of all relationships is the one we have with ourselves.

MJo

The Economy is Moving Downward, But That Doesn't Mean I Have to Go Down With It

2008-10-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

Everywhere you go you hear about the crisis on Wall Street. It doesn't stop at Wall Street, in fact it is coming home with us; like it or not this is going to "trickle down" to us. Perhaps the most vulnerable group in a recession is the Baby Boomer generation. They have two dependency burdens since they are old enough to have children but young enough to having living parents who they are responsible for (financially and physically).
Most of the Baby Boomers have lost a lot of money in stocks, retirement funds, and other investment varieties. Many have had to foreclose on their dream homes. So how do we get through this to see the light at the end of the tunnel? First you have to go through the grief.

Kubler-Ross described 5 stages of grief:

Denial : this isn't happening
Anger: The damn government (blaming is common)
Bargaining: maybe if we give them some money the problem will go away (the bail-out).
Depression: I feel so let down by my country's government.
Acceptance: this is the reality. We are here, and now we have to work to solve it.

Ways to live with the economy and maintain control:

1. Do not panic. If you take your money out there will be a penalty and it will worsen the situation.

2. Sit down with your family and come up with at least three expenses you can cut back on as a family (this will build family cohesion).

3. As a family or couple try to engage in a healthy life style. One way we can all cut back and become healthier is if we eat more dinners together at home. It is expensive to go out and eat...and never as healthy.

4. Set small realistic goals. For example everyone can begin saving now for a vacation planned in the spring or summer. You can begin now to set up college funds, or guide your child with applying for scholarships.

5. Manage your anxiety or depression with medications from your doctor if necessary. If you don't have medical insurance there are programs that can help you find resources to assist you with your emotional needs. Ignoring that you have a problem is a problem.

6. It is never too late to learn new coping skills. The great thing about a crisis of any kind is it forces us to make changes. 10 minutes of meditation and prayer is a great place to start.

7. Be creative with entertaining at home. A big family expense is going out. It may be cheaper to have friends over for dinner, or creating pot-lucks with families. Everyone relaxes, talks, and shares how they feel about issues. This is healing and inexpensive.

Most healing happens when we work together. People need other people. Reach out and invite someone to share the experience; it will make it less scary if you know others feel like you do.

MJo

How Do I Feel About Me

2008-10-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

This week in Houston one of the radio stations brought up a recent study in regards to women and body image. I was called and asked to contribute to the conversation. Every woman knows the pressure of dealing with our imperfect bodies. It's in every magazine I can think of. No matter who you are, when you compare yourself to others you can feel like you got the short end of the stick. We are now starting to see the girls affected are getting younger and younger.

After the show, I received an email from the mother of six year old. The little girl complained to her mother that her "thighs were not as thin as Sarah's and also that she thought she was fat". What, did I hear that right? How is it possible that at the age of six you are already aware and concerned how your body looks?
I don't remember looking at myself until I was ten. I was only able to discover my flaws through the comments of my family and friends. What were those messages? How did they make me feel?

This is all part of body image. As parents we are the first line of defense for our children. Be careful what you say to your children. Please don't compare them to other children and don't talk bad about your own body within hearing distance of them (please don't do it at all).

I have added some "tips" that may help you to pass on to your daughters and sons too (boy's have body image issues also). Or you may adopt them for yourself.

Ten Tips to Love Yourself and Your Body

1. Replace the phrase or "tape" in their head that says" I am fat" with something like "I exercise and eat right".
2. Replace "I bombed on a test", or "I am stupid and fat" with "I am smart and can do better". Think of one thing you could do next time (prepare and talk to the teacher to find help).
3. Make a habit of complimenting yourself. It isn't bragging...it's called being your own best friend. Maybe you have a great sense of humor or maybe you get along with everyone...whatever it is.
4. At the end of the day think of three things that went well that day. Write them down...it is a rare day that doesn't offer something good.
5. Make a list of all your strengths, and repeat them each morning or evening. Add to the list as you get better and better.
6. Set an easy goal. Easy goals are more achievable and will make you feel better about yourself. Most of the time we focus on being thinner because we think it would make our confidence higher. Your confidence grows first and then comes a healthier life style
7.Do something with your mom. Talk to her about how she used to feel about her body. Ask her for some ideas of what you can do.
8. Practice talking in front of a mirror. Practice coming across strong and assertive. When you feel badly about your body, your body slumps and you may talk soft and timid. If you become more assertive you will feel more in control of your body.
9. Find one exercise you can do six days a week. It doesn't have to be much...just consistent.
10. Find one active friend who will exercise with you every day. Diets don't work. A change in your life-style will.

Success has nothing to do with how we look. Success has a lot to do with how we FEEL ABOUT THE WAY WE LOOK. This may be the perfect time to begin to work on how we feel about the way we look.

MJo

Happiness...It's an Inside Job!

2008-09-27T22:28:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest lessons I learned while working in the Hospital is that people who have poor health or recent calamity are not any more unhappy then people who are gifted with having good health and good fortune. When people talk to me and counsel the one thing they constantly tell me is "I just want to be happy". So...if everyone wants to be happy and happiness isn't something for sale, or a by-product of having good fortune, then what is it, and how do we get it?

Happiness is not something we can give our children or anyone else. You should never try to make your children happy because that is their job. We now know the more you give them or do for them the more you assure their unhappiness. Happiness comes from feeling good about what we contribute or who we are. It expresses itself when we are able to see how blessed we are with whatever we have. Many poor people are much happier then wealthy people because they know how to be grateful for the beauty that surrounds them. Happiness is alive when you accept that what you have is good enough, and you want to share it with others. The less you resist, the less you say "NO" to life the happier you will become.

Are you thinking...how can I be happy now? I am sorry but there is no "Quick Fix". I do have some ideas though that will get you started and you may want to spend at least a few minutes each day practicing one of these.

1. Take a walk outside. Look at the trees, the plants, the road. Don't judge...just watch. Listen to birds, or children's voices, or a train going by. Be aware where you are.
2. Exercise. Ten minutes is all it takes, for you to begin to feel more happy.
3. Reach out. IT REALLY ISN'T ABOUT YOU! Send an email, say hello to someone, think about someone, do something small for someone else.
4. Do one thing...one small task that you have put off doing. Cross it off your list. Just one. You will feel happier as you don't have to waste energy thinking about putting it off.
5. Create a serene space. Whether it is at your office, your cubicle, or your desk. Make something that surrounds you more peaceful. A small symbol of something that "grounds you" is all you need. Whether that is a favorite rock that your child found for you, or a seashell that you gathered early one morning. It doesn't matter what it is...as long as it has meaning and peace for you.
6. Act Happy. When you act happy, you give others permission to be happy, and you can reflect off of their joy if not your own.
7. Listen to music that inspires you. Hum it or sing with it. You did this as a child when you felt less "censored" and were more sure of who you were.
8. Begin to create a better place for everyone else. Think more about how you want to be remembered when you leave this earth. Act on that. Whether that means recycling, or eating healthier, the idea is to think of how your actions will affect others.
9. Write down each day something you did not know about yourself and what that means to you. If you notice you get jealous over special treatment of a friend, write about that. Why is that? What could you chose to do differently then the behavior you chose in the past that made you feel bad about yourself?
10. Do something new each day. When we were children we trusted that trying new things was fun. Somehow as we get older we become more fearful and this usually leaves us living with more security but less "Gusto".

Prophets have written about the importance of letting your light shine. When they talk about "light" they are talking about "love". It is one and the same. So...as you go about the day...and show others your light, feel good about it. Your light is what makes me and others' happy. As you shine it, and we smile...we hope you smile back and are "Happy!"

MJo

The Makings of a Survivor

2008-09-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

This week our part of the world (Southeast Texas) went through a life altering crisis/opportunity. We had a huge hurricane (Ike was his name) sweep into our gulf and take with him power, homes, phones, Internet, and peoples' livelihood. As you can imagine, we are now all struggling to make sense of it and reestablish structure. This presents difficult challenges, but also provides us with a huge opportunity.

How do we want to go forward? How do we deal with the present (some of our neighbors lost everything, many have no power, and the media predicts a difficult four more weeks of recovery)? I think the opportunity lies in what we can give to each other. How do we take the focus off of ourselves and give it to everyone else? We know that when people feel loved and cared for they adjust better to the present circumstance.

Here are some ideas of what “survivors” have in common

1) Survivors have friends and family who will stand by them and give them a sense of hope. (If you know of someone who is downhearted remind them that you are here with them and not going anywhere).

2) Survivors do not deceive themselves. They realistically understand what they lost and what this loss means to them. (If you are contacted to help someone deal with the crisis, don't sugarcoat it. Help them by listening and validating what they are feeling).

3) Survivors learn to forgive themselves for their mistakes and for surviving. (If you are the only home who has a home standing...it is okay to be thankful. It is also an opportunity for you to share your shelter with others' who lost theirs).

4) Survivors learn to accept their own good qualities. (It is okay to be proud of what you are doing for others at a time like this. Just make sure you "walk the walk as well as talk the talk"). Survivors continue to give themselves a reason to carry on. (We all need a reason to live. If you are a survivor you may need to remind another person what their living means to you).

We are all in this together. It is in each other we find our reason to carry on and in each other the mirror that reflects back to us who and what we stand for.

MJO

Moms, Are you Feeding Your Children Their Body Image?

2008-09-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

I don't want to pick on you mom's because it seems that no matter what happens with our children it comes back to us (usually if it is something positive dad takes the credit).

But, however, this is important and you do have the key to help your child develop a good body image. The literature supports that moms who diet all the time or are chronic dieters have daughters who begin dieting very early (this may begin at age 8 or 9). In some cases this leads to eating disorders and other absurd relationships with food for these young girls. Although boys do develop eating disorders it is not as common so our focus is mostly on girls.

Why does this happen? What we do know is that children look up to their parents for guidance and eating habits are a common behavior to emulate. When they are small they want to act grown up so they practice the behaviors the "Important People" in their life exhibit.

Unfortunately children form "tapes" in their mind of things you say to them when they are small. Such as "Don't eat that it will make you fat". Or, "If you eat that ice cream you will be as fat as Hilda". These are examples of "tapes" that I hear from patients all of the time and it has lead them down a road of "body hate". Many adult women hold a deep belief that because they don't look like Pamela Anderson they aren't desirable. We know as adults this isn't true, but body image isn't realistic and always truthful.

How can you help prevent these "negative tapes" in your children?

Here are a few suggestions

1. Say no to diet! Instead talk "Life Style". Your life-style includes making time for exercise with your child and engaging in healthy activities. You can eat at the park and pack a picnic instead of getting fast food. You can go for a morning or evening stroll and tell each other three things you have planned for the day. You eat a little bit of foods not as nutritious and more of healthy foods. Your child learns by watching and being with you.

2. Teach your child that it isn't about good or bad food. A simple way of doing this is to stop buying food that is full of preservatives. Cook with your child. Tell them how each ingredient is good for your body. If you don't know what each food contributes make it a chore for your child to google each ingredient and they can teach you. Be creative...you are raising the next generation!

3. Speak positively about your own body...ALWAYS. Please never ever refer to your thighs as being anything but strong. Your child will learn to value their body by watching and hearing you value yours.

4. Your focus should never be on weight or calories. Your child should see their weight and height in the same way they learn about their blood pressure and sugar levels. They are measurements to understand how healthy you are period. Your weight is never a measure of your self worth.

5. Lastly, you may see that by beginning these suggestions the whole family will become healthier. Maybe you do beat yourself up in front of your child. Maybe you do call yourself fat, lazy, or worse. If you can change one thing today start speaking well about yourself to yourself and your children.

All love starts within each of us....Blessings

MJO

Inspirational Women

2008-08-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever met women who inspire you by their very existence? These women just make you want to be around them. They have a way or style of living that expresses their complete faith and comfort in themselves and their abilities. What are the hallmarks of these women? What sets them apart from others?

1. She thinks for herself. She has learned how to feel, think, decide and act for herself. If she runs into an area of concern she asks for direction or help, but ultimately she decides for herself and follows her course of action. She doesn't blame others when things don't go as she had planned. She tries another path.

2. She doesn't mind taking risks. She doesn't put herself in danger but does allow herself to try new things and take risks that will teach her and challenge her.

3. These women take care of themselves. You see them at the gym, walking, hiking, biking, in the hair salons, or at the book stores. These women are good at caring for themselves almost knowing innately that they need to nurture themselves in order to nurture others.

4. These women don't have time to gossip or tear others down. They are busy with their own lives and their own enthusiasm for trying new things. They are ahead of their own time. You will see them in high school and they will stand out because they don't need to engage in "Catty behavior" to feel like they belong. They have an intuition that they already belong and they don’t succumb to immature behavior to fit in. They are leaders and they lead with a sense of helping others feel good about themselves.

5. These women have an interest in the outside world. They don't try to limit their existence, but rather try to expand it. They are interested in how others do things, fee, and take care of their families. They are secure enough so they don't feel threatened by different cultures, no matter how different they are.

Who are these women? Look around. Maybe they are your friend, your mother, or maybe even you.

MJO

Learning to Watch

2008-08-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

People come into my office every day telling me how they feel about issues, and basically explaining who they are. I usually sit and listen and watch. You see...I can see who you really are. In fact, everyone can. You are a VALUE-O-METER. What does that mean?? That means the best, most honest way of telling who someone is, is to find out what they value. How do we do that? We watch where they put their time and money. If someone values money, I know it. Nothing wrong with that; in fact, I think having enough money to support your family and make a good life for them is very important. To me it shows discipline and a conscious decision that you can and will provide for yourself and your loved ones. Drive a sports car? I can see you value this. Have a great family? I understand that you value your children and your mate.

Maybe we could all do better finding the perfect partner if, rather then listening to who they say they are and getting caught up in how they look, we would watch them. We would look at what they value. Do they treat their parents with respect? If they don't, you better run. Someday that same disrespect will be directed to you. Do they work for money or do they give excuses that life isn't fair? If so...you better think about it. If you hook-up with them, you could be supporting them some day. Do they inquire about what you dream about or want? Or do they tell you that if you loved them, you would support them (which may mean agreeing with everything they say, having sex with them, or enabling their addictions). Do they preach love in their music, but on a personal level have no respect for life? If so, get away; if other's lives aren't important to them, yours can never be either.

Only you can choose the right friend and partner for you. If you don't love yourself, you won't choose someone who can love you.

MJO

What makes us abuse other's and ourselves?

2008-07-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

If we come into this world innocent how is it that we get all turned around? How do you take something so beautiful like a brand new baby and tell it untruths, make it feel worthless, verbally or physically beat it up so badly that the child becomes a menace to themselves or others? How does that happen?

Most people who abuse themselves (using drugs, alcohol, or food) or abuse others' have forgotten how absolutely beautiful they are. They have repeated "old tapes" that were told to them. They make the foolish old tapes seem real, it becomes their reality. They begin to believe they are worthless, unlovable. They "settle" for people who don't treat them with respect and people who think they are worthless. STOP THE CYCLE. If you have an addiction whether it is a drugs, alcohol or food, instead of talking about it, go get help. The first step is the most difficult. The second one is a bit lighter. Whatever you do, don't continue to keep it going. Please, Please, don't give this to your children. Whoever started the abuse cycle to you did something very wrong, but if you keep it going you are no better. You can do it!!! One step at a time...you really can. Be brave--do it now. Do it for your children, do it for your lover, mostly do it for yourself.

MJO

Empowering the Next Generation

2008-07-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

A few days go my co-author (Janine Sherman) and I were talking about our upcoming book tour. We were discussing what was important to give to people we met along the way. What was the essence of our book, of ourselves. We decided we would have these wrist bands to give away. The publicist told us she liked the idea of two toned pink bands since the book represents mothers' and daughters' and pink is the color of our book. I loved this, and so did my co-author. Then we started talking about what to write on the band. Of course we had to mention the book. We began shouting out other things along with the "Start Talking". Then I said it "Empowering the Next Generation".

What does that mean? To me that means that if we start with girls who grow into women and then they start relationships with boys who grow into men...eventually we will affect the whole life cycle. I can think of a million ways this generation of young people is the best and brightest so far. I can also see problems that plague this generation that my generation didn't worry much about such as teen pregnancy, STD's, cyber bullying, anorexia, competing with celebrities, etc.

If I am not part of the next generations solution I become an obstacle. One way I can help is to keep promoting the concept of talking to your teen, better yet listening to them. They have so much to say, but they cannot say it if you don't give them your time. Forget the cell phones, cars, money, limo's....give them your TIME. It is our most prized possession. Don't give it all to work, outings, or people you don't even know. Give it to your kids, your kid's friends, and to the next generation.

MJO